... with each errand ending with charred damage proportional to the brutal laws of mass and velocity.
First of all, this is real Wii swordfighting. Not that half-hearted "flick to activate sword swing No. 1" Red Steel crap. Real lightsaber fighting, the glowing blade mapped to your Wiimote.
And, it's every lightsaber battle from all six movies. You lightsaber your way right the damn hell through waves of storm troopers, then the boss battle is some famous duel from the movies. Darth Maul, Count Dooku, that one retarded four-armed robot thing with the completely unprotected heart, all of them, leading up to a climactic duel with Darth Vader.
In the bonus levels, you get to switch sides and cut down the good guys.
Then, if you beat the whole game, unlocking every secret, you get to lightsaber George Lucas. Just screams and burning flannel, man, I'm telling you.
Us survivors of the Cold War know one thing: If superpower ever meets superpower, everybody in the vicinity is getting fucked up. Therefore, any game that features superheroes fighting that doesn't also feature them knocking down entire buildings with each errant blow, is nothing but filthy digital lie.
Further research can be found in the climax of Matrix: Revolutions.
That's why Superhero Brawl gives you 10 city blocks to annihilate. If you want to damage Iron Man, you got to fling his ass through a building ...
... and if you really want to damage him, throw him through the foundation and make the freaking building collapse on top of him. Throw him into a tanker truck hauling rocket fuel, throw him into the core of a nuclear reactor and trigger a meltdown.
Do it right, and the last minute of each fight will look like a nuclear aftermath, smoke and rubble stretching to the horizon.
This is the scale of game Sony implied the PS3 could pull off during their ridiculous hype campaign. Let's see if they can live up to it.
This is the Combined Arms Simulator PC gamers have been dreaming about from the first time a shot was fired in anger over a modem. A sprawling world war, a Battlefield 2 but with one gargantuan, persistent map that everybody plays on.
There'll be AI units to do grunt jobs like holding positions and supply lines. There'll be RPG elements like statistics, character growth, and chain of command “guilds.”
And, Normandy-sized invasions with 5,000 players.
Oh, hell yeah.
Give the Chinese control of one army and the
This is for all of us who secretly think those Dance Dance Revolutionstyle rhythm games look like fun but fear they'll threaten our sexuality.
Total Kung Fu has the same frantic, spastic stepping and flailing asDDR ...
... only instead of dance moves, your movements are translated to vicious, bone-crunching kicks and punches.
We're talking lightning-fast blurred fists, '70s kung fu movie-style fighting where punching and blocking is done with the same desperate, heart-pounding frenzy it takes to keep up with the beat in the harder levels of DDR. You wouldn't even need a floor pad, just an extra Wiimote and nunchuck to strap to your ankles.
Also: Online Multiplayer. Yes, it's tough to do for a rapid-fire twitch fighting game. But this is 2010, Nintendo. Figure it out.
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