Saturday, July 3, 2010

GAMES

Mass Driver
360/PS3


"This load of heroin has to be in Philadelphia in 10 minutes. And, Philadelphia is 150 miles away."

"Don't worry. I know just the guy."

Mass Driver is Grand Theft Auto at 1,000 miles an hour. Your character has the magical ability to enhance the acceleration of any boat, airplane, car, truck, tractor, tank or little red wagon to insane, mach-plus speeds, thundering across a game world hundreds of miles wide. Get going too fast and the vehicles can burn up in the atmosphere. The only way to slow down is by smashing through buildings, trees, mountains, other cars, livestock and crowded amusement parks ...



... with each errand ending with charred damage proportional to the brutal laws of mass and velocity.

Star Wars: Jedi Saga
Wii


First of all, this is
real Wii swordfighting. Not that half-hearted "flick to activate sword swing No. 1" Red Steel crap. Real lightsaber fighting, the glowing blade mapped to your Wiimote.

And, it's every lightsaber battle from all six movies. You lightsaber your way right the damn hell through waves of storm troopers, then the boss battle is some famous duel from the movies. Darth Maul, Count Dooku, that one retarded four-armed robot thing with the completely unprotected heart, all of them, leading up to a climactic duel with Darth Vader.


In the bonus levels, you get to switch sides and cut down the good guys.





Then, if you beat the whole game, unlocking every secret, you get to lightsaber George Lucas. Just screams and burning flannel, man, I'm telling you.

DC vs. Marvel Superhero Brawl
360/PS3


Us survivors of the Cold War know one thing: If superpower ever meets superpower, everybody in the vicinity is getting fucked up. Therefore, any game that features superheroes fighting that doesn't also feature them knocking down entire buildings with each errant blow, is nothing but filthy digital lie.

Further research can be found in the climax of Matrix: Revolutions.

That's why
Superhero Brawl gives you 10 city blocks to annihilate. If you want to damage Iron Man, you got to fling his ass through a building ...



... and if you really want to damage him, throw him through the foundation and make the freaking building collapse on top of him. Throw him into a tanker truck hauling rocket fuel, throw him into the core of a nuclear reactor and trigger a meltdown.

Do it right, and the last minute of each fight will look like a nuclear aftermath, smoke and rubble stretching to the horizon.


This is the scale of game Sony implied the
PS3 could pull off during their ridiculous hype campaign. Let's see if they can live up to it.

World War Omega
PC


This is the Combined Arms Simulator PC gamers have been dreaming about from the first time a shot was fired in anger over a modem. A sprawling world war, a
Battlefield 2 but with one gargantuan, persistent map that everybody plays on.

There'll be AI units to do grunt jobs like holding positions and supply lines. There'll be RPG elements like statistics, character growth, and chain of command “guilds.”


And, Normandy-sized invasions with 5,000 players.



Oh, hell yeah.


Give the Chinese control of one army and the
United States control of the other, and we'll fight all of our wars this way. Nobody gets hurt except the millions of neglected girlfriends.

Total Kung Fu
Wii

This is for all of us who secretly think those Dance Dance Revolutionstyle rhythm games look like fun but fear they'll threaten our sexuality.

Total Kung Fu has the same frantic, spastic stepping and flailing asDDR ...


... only instead of dance moves, your movements are translated to vicious, bone-crunching kicks and punches.


We're talking lightning-fast blurred fists, '70s kung fu movie-style fighting where punching and blocking is done with the same desperate, heart-pounding frenzy it takes to keep up with the beat in the harder levels of DDR. You wouldn't even need a floor pad, just an extra Wiimote and nunchuck to strap to your ankles.

Also: Online Multiplayer. Yes, it's tough to do for a rapid-fire twitch fighting game. But this is 2010, Nintendo. Figure it out.


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